I Wrote a Dirty Joke
06/06/19 14:50
I Wrote a Dirty Joke
Many years ago I decided to write a dirty joke. So here it is. This joke is intended for mature audiences. Even though I had to be pretty immature to write it.
A couple was on a tour of a remote area of Polynesia. They strayed away from their tour group and found themselves in a lost village. There was no one around and they saw a large idol in the middle of the village. Struck by its beauty, they both handled the idol to get a closer look. Immediately they were surrounded by hundreds of villagers, back from a hunt.
The Chief (or at least he looked like the Chief because he had the most ornate jewelry, and because he called himself the Chief) spoke relatively good English and said to them, “You have despoiled our sacred idol by touching it and you must pay the penalty or die.”
Not keen on dying, the husband said, “We’re sorry we touched your idol. We will pay the penalty.” He was hoping it was something he could put on his American Express.
“Because you have both touched the idol, tonight you must sexually satisfy all the adults in the village. Your wife with the men, you with the women.”
They reluctantly agreed and went to their separate huts where they fulfilled their obligations as best they could.
The next morning, the husband, who was very tired, said, “Well, I guess that is settled. We will go now.”
“No,” said the Chief, “You must stay tonight and again pay the penalty.” The husband was going to protest, but reluctantly agreed and again spent the night pleasing the village women.
The next morning the husband, so tired he was barely able to walk, said, “Well, now we must have fulfilled our punishment.”
“No,” said the Chief, “You must stay another night.”
“But you said we could leave after we paid the penalty.”
“Yes,” said the Chief, “But your wife touched the idol two more times.”
Many years ago I decided to write a dirty joke. So here it is. This joke is intended for mature audiences. Even though I had to be pretty immature to write it.
A couple was on a tour of a remote area of Polynesia. They strayed away from their tour group and found themselves in a lost village. There was no one around and they saw a large idol in the middle of the village. Struck by its beauty, they both handled the idol to get a closer look. Immediately they were surrounded by hundreds of villagers, back from a hunt.
The Chief (or at least he looked like the Chief because he had the most ornate jewelry, and because he called himself the Chief) spoke relatively good English and said to them, “You have despoiled our sacred idol by touching it and you must pay the penalty or die.”
Not keen on dying, the husband said, “We’re sorry we touched your idol. We will pay the penalty.” He was hoping it was something he could put on his American Express.
“Because you have both touched the idol, tonight you must sexually satisfy all the adults in the village. Your wife with the men, you with the women.”
They reluctantly agreed and went to their separate huts where they fulfilled their obligations as best they could.
The next morning, the husband, who was very tired, said, “Well, I guess that is settled. We will go now.”
“No,” said the Chief, “You must stay tonight and again pay the penalty.” The husband was going to protest, but reluctantly agreed and again spent the night pleasing the village women.
The next morning the husband, so tired he was barely able to walk, said, “Well, now we must have fulfilled our punishment.”
“No,” said the Chief, “You must stay another night.”
“But you said we could leave after we paid the penalty.”
“Yes,” said the Chief, “But your wife touched the idol two more times.”
Why I'm a Nerd
22/05/19 13:58
Why I Am a Nerd
A friend of mine asked me why The Avengers was such a big deal. He's not a sci-fi fan and didn't get the appeal for me. It wasn't judgmental on his part (he's a pretty open minded sort), just a genuine effort to try to understand.
I get the question. Non-nerds often look at nerds with puzzlement. Why would people, such as a 69-year-old man, find entertainment and even fulfillment from watching a movie or TV show with giant fictional reptiles, powered beings, or an extraterrestrial with exaggerated dental problems? Doesn't it feel a little, um, juvenile?
Fair question. But like many things in life, different people like different things for different reasons.
An analogy.
There are some people that are sports fans. I don’t completely get it. Sure watching a game or match can be fun, but it still breaks down to people hitting and ball with a stick then running to pillows before they get caught. Or hitting a tiny ball with a stick to get it into a hole in the ground. But by making it simple, you eliminate the nuance, the skill and, yes, the drama of the event. Sports fans are involved in ways I don't understand.
Most of life is mundane. There are few genuine magical moments in life and they are fleeting. For many of us, we want life to be deeper than mundane. Or bigger. Or different. So we look for the magical where we can find it. For some, it is sports. Or gaming. For others, religion or spirituality. Or even better living through chemistry.
For those of us who life doesn't present enough magical aspects to suit us, we turn to popular culture as one way of fulfilling this desire. We look to worlds that have bigger than life heroes. Or aliens. Or ghosts. Or wizards. With them, we find the magic in a fictional life that real life doesn't provide enough of.
A piece of sci-fi or fantasy fiction can be a good book, tv show or movie with the same humor, emotion, characters or dramas as “serious” drama.
And then, for science fiction, there’s the science part. The Martian, in my opinion, is science fiction at its best. And a lot of that is because the science is so interesting. Jurassic Park, while stretching some of the science to make closing possible (plus they got come of the dinosaurs wrong - don' get me started), it did incorporate elements of current genetic research.
The bottom line for me is - if you enjoy something, it moves you or excites you, and gives you a common topic to discuss with friends and even strangers, then go ahead and enjoy it. That others don't get it is just a difference in how people view the world and their place in it. And what they wish the world, or the universe for that matter, would be. Bigger than life. More magical.
A friend of mine asked me why The Avengers was such a big deal. He's not a sci-fi fan and didn't get the appeal for me. It wasn't judgmental on his part (he's a pretty open minded sort), just a genuine effort to try to understand.
I get the question. Non-nerds often look at nerds with puzzlement. Why would people, such as a 69-year-old man, find entertainment and even fulfillment from watching a movie or TV show with giant fictional reptiles, powered beings, or an extraterrestrial with exaggerated dental problems? Doesn't it feel a little, um, juvenile?
Fair question. But like many things in life, different people like different things for different reasons.
An analogy.
There are some people that are sports fans. I don’t completely get it. Sure watching a game or match can be fun, but it still breaks down to people hitting and ball with a stick then running to pillows before they get caught. Or hitting a tiny ball with a stick to get it into a hole in the ground. But by making it simple, you eliminate the nuance, the skill and, yes, the drama of the event. Sports fans are involved in ways I don't understand.
Most of life is mundane. There are few genuine magical moments in life and they are fleeting. For many of us, we want life to be deeper than mundane. Or bigger. Or different. So we look for the magical where we can find it. For some, it is sports. Or gaming. For others, religion or spirituality. Or even better living through chemistry.
For those of us who life doesn't present enough magical aspects to suit us, we turn to popular culture as one way of fulfilling this desire. We look to worlds that have bigger than life heroes. Or aliens. Or ghosts. Or wizards. With them, we find the magic in a fictional life that real life doesn't provide enough of.
A piece of sci-fi or fantasy fiction can be a good book, tv show or movie with the same humor, emotion, characters or dramas as “serious” drama.
And then, for science fiction, there’s the science part. The Martian, in my opinion, is science fiction at its best. And a lot of that is because the science is so interesting. Jurassic Park, while stretching some of the science to make closing possible (plus they got come of the dinosaurs wrong - don' get me started), it did incorporate elements of current genetic research.
The bottom line for me is - if you enjoy something, it moves you or excites you, and gives you a common topic to discuss with friends and even strangers, then go ahead and enjoy it. That others don't get it is just a difference in how people view the world and their place in it. And what they wish the world, or the universe for that matter, would be. Bigger than life. More magical.
We Need a New Political Label
10/10/18 13:08
We Need a New Political Label
Conservative.
Moderate.
Liberal.
We have these labels to be able to determine someone’s political bent.
Of the three, I think the most misunderstood of these labels is moderate. The common view of the moderate is someone that finds the center on most issues. That we should enact change slowly and carefully, making small changes over time rather than ones that are revolutionary. At best, finding the best of both opposn sides and forming a compromise.
And that certainly can be part of being a moderate. But I want a fourth option. A label for people who think like a liberal on some issues, like a conservative on other issues, and a moderate when it makes sense. We can be just as passionate about these issues, while finding no contradiction in being far right on one issue and far left on the other.
For instance, I am a moderate on gun control. I don’t advocate banning guns but still want to see common sense solutions to gun violence issues. Unstable or violent people don’t get guns. That doesn’t seem unreasonable to me.
But I am a conservative on budget issues. While I don’t claim to fully understand the implications of spending versus growth in an economy, I believe our long-term solvency depends on keeping debt manageable, and with a plan for reducing debt, and subsequent interest payments.
And I am a liberal about environmental concerns. Or gay, women’s and civil rights issues.
I think many of us, even those who proclaim to be a liberal or conservative, are actually this type of moderate. But we don’t have a name for ourselves. So I tried to think one up.
My first thought was swing-winger, but t seemed somewhat suggestive so let that one pass.
Then I thought of Neapolitan, thinking of the ice cream with the three flavors. But unless you say ice cream, you could be talking about someone from Naples. So that’s out.
I finally came up with the term Deliberative. Yeah, it’s not perfect. A little snooty. So I’m still working on the perfect descriptor, but it’ll have to do for now.
We try to take each issue on it’s own merits, with all the selective perceptions and emotional blind spots that everyone has. We’re not special, or necessarily right, but we do look at things differently. Hopefully, we are deliberative.
Conservative.
Moderate.
Liberal.
We have these labels to be able to determine someone’s political bent.
Of the three, I think the most misunderstood of these labels is moderate. The common view of the moderate is someone that finds the center on most issues. That we should enact change slowly and carefully, making small changes over time rather than ones that are revolutionary. At best, finding the best of both opposn sides and forming a compromise.
And that certainly can be part of being a moderate. But I want a fourth option. A label for people who think like a liberal on some issues, like a conservative on other issues, and a moderate when it makes sense. We can be just as passionate about these issues, while finding no contradiction in being far right on one issue and far left on the other.
For instance, I am a moderate on gun control. I don’t advocate banning guns but still want to see common sense solutions to gun violence issues. Unstable or violent people don’t get guns. That doesn’t seem unreasonable to me.
But I am a conservative on budget issues. While I don’t claim to fully understand the implications of spending versus growth in an economy, I believe our long-term solvency depends on keeping debt manageable, and with a plan for reducing debt, and subsequent interest payments.
And I am a liberal about environmental concerns. Or gay, women’s and civil rights issues.
I think many of us, even those who proclaim to be a liberal or conservative, are actually this type of moderate. But we don’t have a name for ourselves. So I tried to think one up.
My first thought was swing-winger, but t seemed somewhat suggestive so let that one pass.
Then I thought of Neapolitan, thinking of the ice cream with the three flavors. But unless you say ice cream, you could be talking about someone from Naples. So that’s out.
I finally came up with the term Deliberative. Yeah, it’s not perfect. A little snooty. So I’m still working on the perfect descriptor, but it’ll have to do for now.
We try to take each issue on it’s own merits, with all the selective perceptions and emotional blind spots that everyone has. We’re not special, or necessarily right, but we do look at things differently. Hopefully, we are deliberative.
A Friday Night in June, 2016
12/07/16 13:33 Filed in: Experiences
A Friday Night in June, 2016
It was a Friday night. I had been feeling tightness in my chest for about two days. Didn’t think much of it, but it wasn’t getting better. So, to ease my mind, I cancelled my regular happy hour plans and decided at 7:30 pm to go to a nearby urgent care facility.
When I got there, I was attended to pretty quickly. They did a blood pressure check and it was really high – 170 over something. Way high for me. And they did an EKG. Their doctor said she thought she saw an irregularity in the EKG and recommended I take an ambulance to the hospital. Best not to take chances. So I said yes and a few minutes later I was on my way to St. Anthony’s in an ambulance with red lights spinning. They gave me nitroglycerine to reduce the tightness and I made a joke about it being an explosive. I don’t know why I feel compelled to tell jokes in situations like this. Calms me, I guess. Anyway, the nitroglycerine didn’t do anything.
I got to the emergency room and they started with an EKG and chest x-ray.
So the doctor came in and said my EKG was normal. My blood pressure was back down closer to what it should be. And he said it looked like pneumonia to him. But they wanted to admit me and do some more tests to be sure.
So I checked in. They gave me an IV with antibiotics for the pneumonia and did some blood tests. The next morning I got a stress test. It was the typical. Get on a treadmill to reach a target heart rate. It was the third time today I had those stickers attached to me they put the electrodes on. And once again I had a whole bunch of sticky things to rip off, taking chest hairs with them. The stickers have tenacity. I will give them that.
During the stress test, they did an ultrasound that recorded video of my heart. I could see the monitor. Seeing my own beating heart made it seem so vulnerable. Hard to look at.
But they didn’t find anything wrong so I went back to my room with the idea that I would be released pretty soon. But the doctor wanted to do one more test to make sure I didn’t have a clot in my lungs. A CT scan. I’m thinking overkill at this point, but did it any way.
I had mixed feelings about all these tests. Even if they don’t find anything wrong in my heart, it’s possible that they might inadvertently find something else just as horrible. So every time I got test results, it was pretty stressful.
So the CT scan was done, and I waited in my room for the results. Had lunch while I was waiting. I order chicken sandwich but they said I couldn’t have a Coke because I was a on a cardiac diet. I found this ironic.
The doctor came in and said he couldn’t find any pneumonia, and it looked to him like bronchitis. Probably viral, so no reason to take antibiotics.
I took a taxi home. It was raining very hard and the taxi’s windshield wipers stopped working. And I thought, “Great, I lived through this whole episode only to be killed in a cab on the way home.”
Some takeaways.
Pretty much along the way, all the people who treated me or conveyed my somewhere were professional and friendly.
I think most everything they did was partly due to the fear of getting into legal trouble. So they did every test that might cover their butt, even though they were probably not necessary.
On one level, I’m glad that they did all the tests. Everything was OK, for now at least, but I suspect I will get a pretty big bill for that reassurance.
So that was a Friday night in June. Pain, stress, boredom, humor and limited television viewing choices. I think I’ll make different plans for next Friday. Not that anything in life comes out as planned.
It was a Friday night. I had been feeling tightness in my chest for about two days. Didn’t think much of it, but it wasn’t getting better. So, to ease my mind, I cancelled my regular happy hour plans and decided at 7:30 pm to go to a nearby urgent care facility.
When I got there, I was attended to pretty quickly. They did a blood pressure check and it was really high – 170 over something. Way high for me. And they did an EKG. Their doctor said she thought she saw an irregularity in the EKG and recommended I take an ambulance to the hospital. Best not to take chances. So I said yes and a few minutes later I was on my way to St. Anthony’s in an ambulance with red lights spinning. They gave me nitroglycerine to reduce the tightness and I made a joke about it being an explosive. I don’t know why I feel compelled to tell jokes in situations like this. Calms me, I guess. Anyway, the nitroglycerine didn’t do anything.
I got to the emergency room and they started with an EKG and chest x-ray.
So the doctor came in and said my EKG was normal. My blood pressure was back down closer to what it should be. And he said it looked like pneumonia to him. But they wanted to admit me and do some more tests to be sure.
So I checked in. They gave me an IV with antibiotics for the pneumonia and did some blood tests. The next morning I got a stress test. It was the typical. Get on a treadmill to reach a target heart rate. It was the third time today I had those stickers attached to me they put the electrodes on. And once again I had a whole bunch of sticky things to rip off, taking chest hairs with them. The stickers have tenacity. I will give them that.
During the stress test, they did an ultrasound that recorded video of my heart. I could see the monitor. Seeing my own beating heart made it seem so vulnerable. Hard to look at.
But they didn’t find anything wrong so I went back to my room with the idea that I would be released pretty soon. But the doctor wanted to do one more test to make sure I didn’t have a clot in my lungs. A CT scan. I’m thinking overkill at this point, but did it any way.
I had mixed feelings about all these tests. Even if they don’t find anything wrong in my heart, it’s possible that they might inadvertently find something else just as horrible. So every time I got test results, it was pretty stressful.
So the CT scan was done, and I waited in my room for the results. Had lunch while I was waiting. I order chicken sandwich but they said I couldn’t have a Coke because I was a on a cardiac diet. I found this ironic.
The doctor came in and said he couldn’t find any pneumonia, and it looked to him like bronchitis. Probably viral, so no reason to take antibiotics.
I took a taxi home. It was raining very hard and the taxi’s windshield wipers stopped working. And I thought, “Great, I lived through this whole episode only to be killed in a cab on the way home.”
Some takeaways.
Pretty much along the way, all the people who treated me or conveyed my somewhere were professional and friendly.
I think most everything they did was partly due to the fear of getting into legal trouble. So they did every test that might cover their butt, even though they were probably not necessary.
On one level, I’m glad that they did all the tests. Everything was OK, for now at least, but I suspect I will get a pretty big bill for that reassurance.
So that was a Friday night in June. Pain, stress, boredom, humor and limited television viewing choices. I think I’ll make different plans for next Friday. Not that anything in life comes out as planned.
This I Believe
07/07/16 15:09 Filed in: Beliefs
I wrote this in 2006 to submit to NPR's this I Believe project. It didn't get read on air but it is in their archives somewhere.
This I Believe
I believe in doubt. At least, I think I do.
Quantum physics, as I imperfectly understand it, says that uncertainty is built into nature. And what is truth may depend on the observer. So maybe some doubt is a good thing. But not everyone seems to feel this way.
We live in a time when people seem very sure of themselves. They believe their opinions to be truth. Yet, in their discourse, they omit facts, and endlessly repeat untruths or half-truths, even those popularly disproved, to convince us they have the right answer.
Radio talk show hosts are big into claiming to speak the truth. Can we really expect someone so committed to a particularly ideology to be objective enough to see the unvarnished truth much less speak about it? So what comes out is varnished – shiny on the outside but wooden on the inside.
I’m not sure that it’s wise to believe someone who makes millions of dollars to tell you what you want to hear.
In Zen, there is something called the Doubt Sensation. I interpret that to mean that questioning the very core of reality is necessary to be on the path to understanding reality. So that you can see it with a fresh mind. Uncluttered by belief. Uncertainty is active and allows for change. Certainty is static and avoids change.
I doubt that most people who champion their own ideology have actually tried to understand different viewpoints, that they have actually looked with intellectual and emotional honesty at another point-of-view and tried to find some truth there as well. This may be because of a deep-seated fear that this might lead to having some doubt. And doubt is not usually comfortable. Certainty takes little intellectual energy. Thinking what you say and do is based in truth makes action easier to take.
So I understand people who avoid doubt. But I think doubt is a good thing. Certainty is what allows young men to strap on bombs. Doubt is what makes people strap on seat belts.
There is a difference between doubt and indecision. Our leaders must certainly act decisively. But they shouldn’t assume that what they propose is the right answer and that others are wrong. And they certainly shouldn’t stick with this action when it is plainly not working. Not to feel better about themselves and certainly not for politics. I’m not advocating inactivity. I’m advocating action that is constantly looked at, and is flexible and responsive to what’s actually happening, rather than what fits an ideology.
Voltaire demonstrated he was also a doubter when he said, “Doubt is uncomfortable. Certainty is ridiculous.”
Or maybe the Stooges said it best. “Only a fool is positive.” Are you sure?” “I’m positive.”
So maybe it’s a good thing for us to question the truth behind the rhetoric, always imperfectly. Because a little doubt is a good thing.
Am I sure about this? I’m positive.
This I Believe
I believe in doubt. At least, I think I do.
Quantum physics, as I imperfectly understand it, says that uncertainty is built into nature. And what is truth may depend on the observer. So maybe some doubt is a good thing. But not everyone seems to feel this way.
We live in a time when people seem very sure of themselves. They believe their opinions to be truth. Yet, in their discourse, they omit facts, and endlessly repeat untruths or half-truths, even those popularly disproved, to convince us they have the right answer.
Radio talk show hosts are big into claiming to speak the truth. Can we really expect someone so committed to a particularly ideology to be objective enough to see the unvarnished truth much less speak about it? So what comes out is varnished – shiny on the outside but wooden on the inside.
I’m not sure that it’s wise to believe someone who makes millions of dollars to tell you what you want to hear.
In Zen, there is something called the Doubt Sensation. I interpret that to mean that questioning the very core of reality is necessary to be on the path to understanding reality. So that you can see it with a fresh mind. Uncluttered by belief. Uncertainty is active and allows for change. Certainty is static and avoids change.
I doubt that most people who champion their own ideology have actually tried to understand different viewpoints, that they have actually looked with intellectual and emotional honesty at another point-of-view and tried to find some truth there as well. This may be because of a deep-seated fear that this might lead to having some doubt. And doubt is not usually comfortable. Certainty takes little intellectual energy. Thinking what you say and do is based in truth makes action easier to take.
So I understand people who avoid doubt. But I think doubt is a good thing. Certainty is what allows young men to strap on bombs. Doubt is what makes people strap on seat belts.
There is a difference between doubt and indecision. Our leaders must certainly act decisively. But they shouldn’t assume that what they propose is the right answer and that others are wrong. And they certainly shouldn’t stick with this action when it is plainly not working. Not to feel better about themselves and certainly not for politics. I’m not advocating inactivity. I’m advocating action that is constantly looked at, and is flexible and responsive to what’s actually happening, rather than what fits an ideology.
Voltaire demonstrated he was also a doubter when he said, “Doubt is uncomfortable. Certainty is ridiculous.”
Or maybe the Stooges said it best. “Only a fool is positive.” Are you sure?” “I’m positive.”
So maybe it’s a good thing for us to question the truth behind the rhetoric, always imperfectly. Because a little doubt is a good thing.
Am I sure about this? I’m positive.